I wrote about dealing with problems in marriage in two earlier posts. Here’s more on the topic.
In addition to unrealistic expectations, there are the inevitable misunderstandings that occur in marriage. You are each individuals, different in many ways. No matter how much in love you are, misunderstandings will occur, especially given the hectic and stressful lives we lead. Unfortunately, stress, pressure, and unresolved disagreements can cause a married couple to slowly drift apart. If they don’t take action to correct the situation, they can drift so far apart that the marriage becomes empty and the relationship cold.
Therefore, somebody has to take action to bring them back together in relationship, even if it means swallowing some pride and having a difficult discussion. Sue and I have stayed married for 40 years because when we did drift apart, we didn’t like it and took action to resolve our differences. Many times it was a matter of wrong perceptions, and taking time to discuss the situation ultimately resolved the issue or issues. Usually we both agreed to make changes that would strengthen the relationship and get us back on track to where we should be.
Such discussions can be painful and you make yourself vulnerable, so it is essential that both sides respect what the other is saying, even if you don’t agree. You may feel the other person’s perception is totally wrong, but it is absolutely real to him or her. Therefore it must be addressed constructively. If things have gotten to the point where such a discussion is impossible or unproductive, then I recommend you seek competent help to aid in the process. Your marriage is worth the time and effort.
More on the topic of problems in marriage in a future post.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Married for Life Part II
In an earlier post I discussed why marriages fail. Here’s more on the topic.
I believe another reason for problems in marriage are unrealistic expectations coupled with a “me first” attitude. I suspect many people today get married expecting their spouse to make them happy all the time, meet all their needs, always be romantic, and they will never have problems. Guess what? That isn’t reality, as we all should know.
Yet when these expectations are not met, the spouse is often dumped, or the relationship becomes distant. The fact is, no human being can possibly meet all of someone’s needs and desires, and the pressure to do so can ruin a marriage as well.
Throughout most of history, many needs were met outside of the marriage. For men, fraternal organizations, guilds, and other predominantly male gatherings satisfied many of their social, ego, and relationship needs. You still see that in some societies today. However, in American society most men don’t belong to any organization, have few if any close friends, and rarely socialize with other men (except for business).
Women throughout history had their female relatives, who generally either lived in the same compound, or down the street. Women had mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters and good friends to rely on, to support them, and to spend time with. Women worked together in doing chores, so that the younger woman had continual guidance, socialization, and support.
Today, women usually don’t have much in the way of female support or companionship, so they rely on their husbands, who often aren’t up to the task. While men need to listen to and support their wives, women also should develop some close female friends with whom they can safely share their feelings.
More on the topic of marriage in a future post.
I believe another reason for problems in marriage are unrealistic expectations coupled with a “me first” attitude. I suspect many people today get married expecting their spouse to make them happy all the time, meet all their needs, always be romantic, and they will never have problems. Guess what? That isn’t reality, as we all should know.
Yet when these expectations are not met, the spouse is often dumped, or the relationship becomes distant. The fact is, no human being can possibly meet all of someone’s needs and desires, and the pressure to do so can ruin a marriage as well.
Throughout most of history, many needs were met outside of the marriage. For men, fraternal organizations, guilds, and other predominantly male gatherings satisfied many of their social, ego, and relationship needs. You still see that in some societies today. However, in American society most men don’t belong to any organization, have few if any close friends, and rarely socialize with other men (except for business).
Women throughout history had their female relatives, who generally either lived in the same compound, or down the street. Women had mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters and good friends to rely on, to support them, and to spend time with. Women worked together in doing chores, so that the younger woman had continual guidance, socialization, and support.
Today, women usually don’t have much in the way of female support or companionship, so they rely on their husbands, who often aren’t up to the task. While men need to listen to and support their wives, women also should develop some close female friends with whom they can safely share their feelings.
More on the topic of marriage in a future post.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Married for Life
This weekend (August 17) my wife and I celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. I feel that is something special because of the high divorce rate in this country today. We managed to buck the trend and stay married, thanks to the grace of God and my wife’s patience. Why do so many marriages not survive today?
Marriage has worked reasonably well for thousands of years. What seems to be the problem now? Why is there a 50% divorce rate? I think one major factor is that life has changed significantly in the past 50 years. There seems to be a lot more stress and pressure, and it takes its toll on relationships. Some of that stress is self-inflicted: we work harder and harder for the “good things” in life, we try to do it all and have it all, getting into debt more than we should.
The number one reason for disagreements within a marriage is money problems. Many couples are seriously in debt immediately upon getting married, mainly because of the expensive wedding. Average cost is $30,000. Others get into debt very quickly because they have to have that expensive house, plus the big SUV and the BMW in the driveway.
Also, people are incredibly busy, either trying to make money, or seeking some sort of fulfillment. The kids are involved in a hundred different activities, all of which require you to drive them someplace. To keep our marriages on track, we must to try to reduce the stresses in life to whatever extent we can.
One way to do that might be to put off that new purchase so that we don’t become overextended financially. We should also look at our marriage as a safe sanctuary, where discussions can take place in a partnership environment rather than in a confrontational mode.
A good way to keep our marriages on track is to work to reduce the stresses in life by working as a team, realizing that there will have to be compromise. That means working together for the common long-term good of the family, maybe having to make some sacrifices, and relying on God for guidance.
More on the topic of marriage in a future post.
Marriage has worked reasonably well for thousands of years. What seems to be the problem now? Why is there a 50% divorce rate? I think one major factor is that life has changed significantly in the past 50 years. There seems to be a lot more stress and pressure, and it takes its toll on relationships. Some of that stress is self-inflicted: we work harder and harder for the “good things” in life, we try to do it all and have it all, getting into debt more than we should.
The number one reason for disagreements within a marriage is money problems. Many couples are seriously in debt immediately upon getting married, mainly because of the expensive wedding. Average cost is $30,000. Others get into debt very quickly because they have to have that expensive house, plus the big SUV and the BMW in the driveway.
Also, people are incredibly busy, either trying to make money, or seeking some sort of fulfillment. The kids are involved in a hundred different activities, all of which require you to drive them someplace. To keep our marriages on track, we must to try to reduce the stresses in life to whatever extent we can.
One way to do that might be to put off that new purchase so that we don’t become overextended financially. We should also look at our marriage as a safe sanctuary, where discussions can take place in a partnership environment rather than in a confrontational mode.
A good way to keep our marriages on track is to work to reduce the stresses in life by working as a team, realizing that there will have to be compromise. That means working together for the common long-term good of the family, maybe having to make some sacrifices, and relying on God for guidance.
More on the topic of marriage in a future post.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Communal Religion
The Jewish religion, from which Christianity originated (Christians believe Jesus is the fulfillment of the Jewish messianic prophecies and the prophesied Savior from Isaiah 53 and other passages) was primarily a communal relationship with the Lord God (Jehovah). You were born into it, and you were considered a part of that community which had a special relationship with the Creator of the universe. Individuals did not choose to be part of that community – they were part of it by virtue of their birth.
Christianity, on the other hand, is not something you are born into in the same was as you are born a Jew. You may be born into a Christian home, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a Christian in the sense that you consider Jesus is your Lord and Savior (Jesus is your Lord when you have surrendered your will to his, following his guidance for your life and not your own. He is your Savior when you have trusted him for your eternal destiny). Many “Christians” are cultural Christians – born into a Christian household but have little more than a vague faith in God and little or no church involvement.
In Christianity (unlike Judaism), you choose consciously to be a devout follower of Jesus Christ. This can happen at your baptism (believer’s or adult baptism), at your confirmation, at your coming forward in answer to an “altar call”, or even in private (although eventually you should make a public confession of your faith). I believe that if you haven’t consciously made that decision, then you are a cultural Christian, not a devout follower of Jesus Christ.
Unfortunately, people today seem to forget that Christianity, similar to Judaism, is also a corporate or communal faith. We may make individual decisions regarding belief in Jesus, but once we have committed our lives to Christ, we have become part of a worldwide community of believers called “The Church.” The Church isn’t just a building, a hierarchy, the clergy, bishops, the pope, or an organization, but it is the community of believers throughout the world. Over the centuries we have created a Church of buildings, hierarchies, the clergy, bishops, the pope, and organizations, but those aren’t the heart of The Church. The heart of The Church is you and me, the people.
God created us to be social, and Jesus wants his people to be in fellowship with one another for mutual encouragement, for training, for worship, for ministry and mission, and to enjoy one another’s company. In the first couple of centuries of Christianity, what we call Holy Communion consisted of the Love Feast in which the Christians gathered together for a full meal at which the Last Supper was remembered by the breaking of bread and the drinking of the cup. Fellowship and socialization have been a part of the Christian faith since earliest times when groups met in people’s houses for the Love Feast and informal and spontaneous worship together.
Therefore, I encourage you to become part of a church. There should be no “Lone Ranger Christians” out there, but all should gather together at least weekly for worship, training, fellowship, and ministry.
Christianity, on the other hand, is not something you are born into in the same was as you are born a Jew. You may be born into a Christian home, but that doesn’t necessarily make you a Christian in the sense that you consider Jesus is your Lord and Savior (Jesus is your Lord when you have surrendered your will to his, following his guidance for your life and not your own. He is your Savior when you have trusted him for your eternal destiny). Many “Christians” are cultural Christians – born into a Christian household but have little more than a vague faith in God and little or no church involvement.
In Christianity (unlike Judaism), you choose consciously to be a devout follower of Jesus Christ. This can happen at your baptism (believer’s or adult baptism), at your confirmation, at your coming forward in answer to an “altar call”, or even in private (although eventually you should make a public confession of your faith). I believe that if you haven’t consciously made that decision, then you are a cultural Christian, not a devout follower of Jesus Christ.
Unfortunately, people today seem to forget that Christianity, similar to Judaism, is also a corporate or communal faith. We may make individual decisions regarding belief in Jesus, but once we have committed our lives to Christ, we have become part of a worldwide community of believers called “The Church.” The Church isn’t just a building, a hierarchy, the clergy, bishops, the pope, or an organization, but it is the community of believers throughout the world. Over the centuries we have created a Church of buildings, hierarchies, the clergy, bishops, the pope, and organizations, but those aren’t the heart of The Church. The heart of The Church is you and me, the people.
God created us to be social, and Jesus wants his people to be in fellowship with one another for mutual encouragement, for training, for worship, for ministry and mission, and to enjoy one another’s company. In the first couple of centuries of Christianity, what we call Holy Communion consisted of the Love Feast in which the Christians gathered together for a full meal at which the Last Supper was remembered by the breaking of bread and the drinking of the cup. Fellowship and socialization have been a part of the Christian faith since earliest times when groups met in people’s houses for the Love Feast and informal and spontaneous worship together.
Therefore, I encourage you to become part of a church. There should be no “Lone Ranger Christians” out there, but all should gather together at least weekly for worship, training, fellowship, and ministry.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Congress Goes Home
I have been disgusted with do-nothing Congresses for years. Now we are in an energy crisis, and what does Congress do? They go home without passing any legislation. Why? They couldn’t agree on what to do. So they just take a vacation, and we lose five or six weeks in which some sort of relief might have gotten started.
Politics is the art of compromise, something that recent Congresses have forgotten. Everybody is coming from a different position, so to get anything done you have to compromise. But today Washington is so ideologically polarized that it is paralyzed. Who suffers? We the people, whom Congress is supposed to be serving.
What should we do? Write your Senators and Congressperson and let them know how you feel. Remind them that they are not supposed to be driven by ideology but by what is the best compromise so that progress can be made. No piece of legislation is perfect, but it can be a start. Refinements can be made as time goes on.
Because of Congress’ inability to care for the best interests of the nation and their constituents, I suggest that when election time comes, vote them out. Eventually they’ll get the message. They must be made accountable to those whom they serve – the people, not the party, not special interests, not an ideology, but the people!
Politics is the art of compromise, something that recent Congresses have forgotten. Everybody is coming from a different position, so to get anything done you have to compromise. But today Washington is so ideologically polarized that it is paralyzed. Who suffers? We the people, whom Congress is supposed to be serving.
What should we do? Write your Senators and Congressperson and let them know how you feel. Remind them that they are not supposed to be driven by ideology but by what is the best compromise so that progress can be made. No piece of legislation is perfect, but it can be a start. Refinements can be made as time goes on.
Because of Congress’ inability to care for the best interests of the nation and their constituents, I suggest that when election time comes, vote them out. Eventually they’ll get the message. They must be made accountable to those whom they serve – the people, not the party, not special interests, not an ideology, but the people!
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Joel Osteen
I read a news report the other day that said that Joel Osteen’s trophy wife, Victoria, went a little nuts on a flight in 2005 and roughed up a flight attendant. The FAA investigated and fined Victoria. Now the flight attendant is suing her because of the trauma.
I’m writing this post because I don’t particularly care for Joel Osteen’s preaching, if you can call it that. He is more of an advice-giver than a preacher. His advice is often good (he has books on the New York Times’ best seller list), but so is Dr. Phil’s. As a preacher of a mega-church, his focus should be on God and our dependence on the Almighty, not on the power of positive thinking and what we can do for ourselves. I’ve heard him a number of times and read one of his books, and spiritually he leaves me cold.
While Osteen’s preaching is rather benign compared to Benny Hinn and others who are more interested in your money than your soul, if he is your main or only source of spiritual nourishment, you are you subsisting on a diet of spiritual junk food – tastes good but doesn’t nourish you. I suggest that if you can get out, go to a church. Don’t depend on TV preachers and call that “church.” We are called to worship collectively, and to engage in fellowship with fellow believers.
I suspect there will be some sort of scandal coming out of Osteen’s church eventually. His lovely wife Victoria is co-pastor (kinda makes you wonder – I wonder if she’s ordained or has attended seminary). I believe his church is independent, not tied to a denomination which provides oversight and accountability. You heard it here first.
I’m writing this post because I don’t particularly care for Joel Osteen’s preaching, if you can call it that. He is more of an advice-giver than a preacher. His advice is often good (he has books on the New York Times’ best seller list), but so is Dr. Phil’s. As a preacher of a mega-church, his focus should be on God and our dependence on the Almighty, not on the power of positive thinking and what we can do for ourselves. I’ve heard him a number of times and read one of his books, and spiritually he leaves me cold.
While Osteen’s preaching is rather benign compared to Benny Hinn and others who are more interested in your money than your soul, if he is your main or only source of spiritual nourishment, you are you subsisting on a diet of spiritual junk food – tastes good but doesn’t nourish you. I suggest that if you can get out, go to a church. Don’t depend on TV preachers and call that “church.” We are called to worship collectively, and to engage in fellowship with fellow believers.
I suspect there will be some sort of scandal coming out of Osteen’s church eventually. His lovely wife Victoria is co-pastor (kinda makes you wonder – I wonder if she’s ordained or has attended seminary). I believe his church is independent, not tied to a denomination which provides oversight and accountability. You heard it here first.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Boy Dies Needlessly
I was saddened when I read in the Poughkeepsie Journal that the little boy who was in an accident on the Saw Mill Parkway died. According to the news reports, somebody stopped in the passing lane of the southbound parkway, waiting to make an illegal U-turn. The guy waiting to make the turn was rear-ended by another car and pushed into the oncoming northbound lane. In being pushed into the oncoming traffic, it hit the vehicle the little boy was riding in. Sadly, they were coming from a Yankees game.
Two points on this tragedy:
(1) Given the severe head injuries the boy sustained, I suspect he wasn’t strapped in. Always wear your seat belts, even when riding in the back seat. Younger children should have age-appropriate children’s car seats.
(2) Before doing something illegal, reckless, stupid or otherwise dangerous, THINK before you act! Stopping in the passing lane of a parkway where people are going 50 mph or more is unbelievably stupid and dangerous. Although charges haven’t yet been pressed, I suspect the guy who stopped on the parkway will be charged with vehicular manslaughter or some similar charge that will probably put him in prison.
So you have three families whose lives have been ruined: the boy’s family, the family of the guy who will probably go to prison, and the family of the person who rear-ended him. Every day I see stupid and reckless acts on the road, and it’s a miracle there aren’t more accidents and tragedies. Don’t become a statistic.
Two points on this tragedy:
(1) Given the severe head injuries the boy sustained, I suspect he wasn’t strapped in. Always wear your seat belts, even when riding in the back seat. Younger children should have age-appropriate children’s car seats.
(2) Before doing something illegal, reckless, stupid or otherwise dangerous, THINK before you act! Stopping in the passing lane of a parkway where people are going 50 mph or more is unbelievably stupid and dangerous. Although charges haven’t yet been pressed, I suspect the guy who stopped on the parkway will be charged with vehicular manslaughter or some similar charge that will probably put him in prison.
So you have three families whose lives have been ruined: the boy’s family, the family of the guy who will probably go to prison, and the family of the person who rear-ended him. Every day I see stupid and reckless acts on the road, and it’s a miracle there aren’t more accidents and tragedies. Don’t become a statistic.
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